How to Speak with Confidence

A few weeks during a lunch date with a friend we began talking about the topic of self-confidence. 

As I was sharing my reflections about a string of clients who, despite being equipped with the skills and strategies to show up publicly to promote their businesses, were resistant to execution, my friend looked at me and said, “well Candis, not everyone is as confident as you are.”

I paused in disbelief. Not just because I hadn’t connected the lack of execution to self-confidence (duh!), but because for months I had been inundated with self-doubt. I had been questioning my career, my capabilities and my entire purpose in life.

But despite the raging war going on in my head, my friend hadn’t picked up on it. I was showing up and speaking in public with confidence and not even my closest friends were aware of my shaky self-belief.

I have always known instinctively how to speak confidently regardless of pressure or fear. And that confidence in speaking publicly and sharing about my work no matter how I’m feeling is the reason I’ve continued to move forward despite any temporary onslaught of self-doubt.

So how do you speak with confidence?

How to speak with more confidence: Know that you belong.

When you believe without a shadow of doubt that you belong you can move through situations with a greater sense of self-confidence. 

In her blog post Confidence is Belonging Susan Ritchie says, “True confidence is about deep inner confidence. I think it’s about a sense of belonging, and this impacts our identity.” This statement is so resonant to me!

At the beginning of 2020 I began exploring and publicly sharing about the topic of mixed race identity on my YouTube channel. 

As a biracial-black Australian woman living in the United States my exploration initially stemmed from a desire to “find my people”. I had believed that I would find belonging with others simply through shared ancestry. 

Over the course of the next year I learned that a sense of belonging comes more from internal beliefs than it does from external factors or other people’s perceptions of where I belong. It was up to me to know myself and to show up in my business confidently; like I belonged there!

If we decide and know that we belong in the room, on the stage, in the decision making process, or anywhere else we desire to be, then the game changes for us. We can show up with confidence that we are exactly where we are meant to be.

Confidence to speak: Be prepared or be honest.

A couple of months ago I had a conversation with an up and coming name in the self-development industry. He was looking for a self-development writer to join his team full-time and thought I may be the person for the job.

I was looking forward to the conversation and had spent time reading up on his company, watching his many YouTube videos and scrolling through thousands of comments to learn about his audience and his work. I was armed with knowledge and was determined to impress.

Half way through the conversation he asked me a question about my writing process and I was completely stumped. I was prepared for all the questions except those about the technicalities of writing. I didn’t consider myself a professional writer, after all!

In that moment I had two options: a) fumble through an answer and hope for the best or b) be honest and confident in my lack of knowledge.

In lieu of preparedness, I chose to have confidence in speaking my truth and my honesty paid off! The following week I was invited to the next stage of the interview process and although I ultimately declined the offer, I was reminded that many times confidence will take you further than competence can.

Confidence for public speaking: Move around the room like you own it.

You’ve probably heard the advice to “carry yourself with confidence” but what does it even mean?

In a study conducted by Ohio State University researchers found that people who sat up straight were more likely to have positive thoughts of themselves and greater belief in their professional abilities. 

They also found that posture has a big impact on self-belief, with participants who held an upright, confident posture more likely to trust their first answers on a test.

All this means is that by adopting an open and upright posture, whether on stage, at the conference table or during a tough conversation, you can significantly improve your self-confidence.

Confident self: Practice making eye contact.

Just like posture, your ability to hold eye contact with others can be a big indicator of confidence according to this article in the Journal of Social Psychology.

One of my secrets for feeling more confident during a speaking engagement or presentation is to make eye contact with people in the audience.

Each time I make eye contact with someone it helps me to get out of my head and into my body, to drum up the confidence for public speaking and to remember that I’m in the presence of people who I’m there to serve and who want to see me succeed.

Making eye contact with others can be uncomfortable at first, but it’s valuable for building deeper connection and trust with others.

Speak about what you know.

It was a Saturday night and I was sitting at a bar in South Beach with my husband Elmer, our new friend Marcus and his girlfriend Kate. We had been chatting away for about 40 minutes when the topic turned to navigating race in America as a person of color. 

Elmer, Marcus and I began to share our stories of navigating life as a member of the minority. Up until this point Kate (the only non-POC at the table) had been confidently engaging in conversation, sharing opinions and stories. But with the shift in conversation, I also sensed a shift in her energy.

Whether it was her discomfort, her fear of being left out or perhaps just wishing to contribute something to the conversation, Kate jumped in and began likening her experiences of feeling like an outsider in her own community in what appeared to be an attempt to connect and empathize on the topic of racial injustice.

We all listened with openness and understanding, however with each sentence Kate’s confidence seemed to waver and eventually she trailed off. 

It was impossible for Kate to have confidence in speaking on the topic because she wasn’t speaking from experience. And it was awkwardly obvious.

Developing the confidence to speak up requires that you share ideas, experiences and concepts that you know. When you share your story, your truth and your experiences, there is nothing up for debate.

And if you can’t speak in confidence, it may be the perfect opportunity to listen.

I’d love to comment below and let me know which of these practices you will prioritize in order to improve your confidence in speaking?

References:

Ritchie, S. (TBD) Confidence is Belonging, Be Leaderly. Retrieved September 7, 2021 from https://beleaderly.com/confidence-is-belonging/ 

Ohio State University. (2009) Body Posture Affects Confidence In Your Own Thoughts, Study Finds. ScienceDaily. Retrieved September 7th, 2021 from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/10/091005111627.htm 

Brooks, C., Church, M., & Fraser, L. (1986) Effects of Duration of Eye Contact on Judgments of Personality Characteristics. The Journal of Social Psychology. Retrieved September 7, 2021 from https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224545.1986.9713572